From the deepest darkest corners of my soul...

The Story

2010-11-23T08:34:00.001-06:00

This is the story of a man.

A very young man who lives in a very small country.

A very small country that is barely known in this world.

This world which existence dies a little bit every day.

An existence that is questionable at most.

A question that cannot be answered.

A long awaited answer that you may never find.

A "you" who is different from a "me".

But that "me" is similar to other "beings".

Those "beings" that populate an entire city.

A city that crumbles and burns in violence.

A violence which comes from a house full of indiference.

An indiference that can only destroy.

A destruction that can be helped.

Help that is really needed.

A need that must be satisfied today.

A today that might have never come.

A "never" that must never be said.

A say that expresses wisdom.

A wisdom that comes from common sense.

A common sense that is the least known of all.

A knowledge that needs to be expanded.

An expansion which resembles the universe.

A universe that we will never get to see.

A sight that might make you cry.

Tears which tell me they care.

"They" who have felt emotions.

Emotions which cannot be explained.

Explanations that need no words.

Words that sometimes fall short.

Shorts that sometimes make you cold.

A cold that has to be fought.

A fight that needs to be won.

A win that will make us proud.

A pride that has to be watched.

A watch that will tell you the time.

A time for telling a story.

This is the story of a man.

From my pseudo diary...

2010-11-21T13:41:00.002-06:00

And now here I am... Lots of work to do and I really don't want to do it. Besides that, I'm trying to learn how to type faster with this new layout, but it's really not that easy to do... I mean, it's not more complicated than the regular qwerty, but because it actually IS different I'm having somewhat of a hard time... Honestly I do prefer this new layout...

Hmmm... this kinda reminds me a lil of life... Adjusting and everything... Changes are inevitable. Besides God, it's the one certain fact in life... You can question everything, except for those two facts... Unless of course your Stephen Hawkings... He questions the very existence of God... But let's not get into so much trouble. You know what they say: It's not really polite to discuss 'religion', 'politics' and there was one more thing, but I can't remember right it now.

Anyways, what was the last change you went through? Do you remember? Was it a good one or a bad one...? Allow me to rephrase: the change was for the better or the worse? Or can't you tell anymore? It's not always easy to tell the difference... Sometimes you simply don't know, right? ...... Right?

To me, it's like this: There are some things in life I can't change, some things I CAN change and some that really don't matter. There's a popular saying that goes kinda like this: "God please grant me the strength to change the things I can, endure the ones I can't and the wisdom to tell the difference." I don't think this is in the Bible, but it's still a pretty good line to think about, wouldn't you say?

There are many things that are wrong with me right now. Many things that I should most definitely change. However, I haven't been able to do so. I've tried, trust me; but sometimes it's just to damn difficult. That, of course, doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying; it just means that there are other ways which I have not yet tried. The most important one, the one we all (yes, that includes me) have neglected is precisely the one that might just save us from hell.

Yes, it's probably who you were thinking of: God himself. He's the only one who really knows both you and me. The One who knows pretty much everyone and everything. I say I've tried many different ways to change. I've tried several methods, techniques and strategies. None of them have worked so far. I've neglected the one who can really turn it all around for me (and you too).

Some things I can't change, some things I can; I should know the difference. Some things IN ME seem unchangeable; they're not. Some things AROUND ME seem unchangeable; by myself they probably are. With a little help from The Creator of EVERYTHING, they're not.

Like I said before: change is simply inevitable... change is unchangeable.

Existence

2010-07-02T01:45:00.000-06:00

Oh God... I'm tired... I'm so tired...

I've been walking for so long. This dark lonely road. Every day looking ahead; every day looking back.

It's really strange how this works. The first couple of years I didn't quite get it. I cannot stop; not allowed to. I can look back if I want to, but not turn around. Whatever I did is done and it can only be observed, not changed.

I started this journey exactly 8070 days ago. That's more than 22 years. I don't really remember the beginning, but I do know I didn't take the first steps. I was carried in someone else's arms; someone who... someone who really loved me. To this day... She still loves me. Of that I am sure. One of the few things I'm sure of... is that.

If I'm not mistaken, those few first months were really amazing. Everything was simple, one way to go: forward. And even simpler since I was not the one walking; I just let myself get carried. Time flies...

After this beautiful time it was up to me to take the steps forward. I began to pay attention to what was going on around me. The road I used to walk on was full of light. I could see ahead, at least a little bit. It was really a strange situation. I could turn around and watch the road I had already walked and it was cristal clear. Beautiful and simple. Turn around again and I could see ahead, but it was a bit foggy at times; and sometimes even dark.

I kept walking for many days. Never stopping. Always looking back. Always looking ahead. I still am walking... I still look back... I still stare ahead...

A few memories of the road still dwell in my mind. Sometimes, if I try real hard, I can even see it as if it were happening all over again. I can feel that sun burning my skin. The fresh wind blowing against my face. That smell... It used to smell so nice... I felt alive.

I wake up again. I haven't stopped walking. I can't.

The road has changed with time. It has changed me as well. It's not been easy. My arms have deep cuts. My chest is full of scratches and scars. My feet... New blisters merge with the old and make a very painful mix. My hands almost feel nothing and my face still carries the marks and brands of roads past.

Walking has hurt me. Walking keeps hurting me. And yet, I cannot stop.

I look back. I can see the road I just walked on. Yes, I remember it all. What I felt, what happened. But I can't see the begging of the road, just that little trail behind me.

I turn around and watch the road ahead. It's so dark. I'm so tired; so sick of walking by myself. But I know I cannot have company. I've learned with time... How this journey works.

It's quite simple, but it took me many years to really understand it. I walk and there is nothing I can do, think or pray to stop that. The only moment when I'm allowed to take a break is when I face a crossroad. It's only then that my feet stop and wait.
I can have some company, but it will be temporary. Some will share the same road with me and we will face the dangers of it together; the joys of it as well.
Everything I do is final. I am allowed to look back and admire and observe, but never walk back and change.
When I look back I will see a part of the road I've walked on, but never all of it. I can even remember parts of it, but not all.
But the two most important facts that I've learned since I began my journey are:
1) The road ahead is ALWAYS dark and blurry and
2) I will never know what is ahead... until I have walked to reach it. Even sometimes, what I believe and see is ahead, is actually just an illusion. I will never rest.

And so I continue my journey. To the dark horizon ahead of me. Do I know where I'm going? No. Will I ever know? No. Is it safe? Impossible to tell. Will I be happy? Well... that's not really up to the road. It's up to me. Will I find what I'm looking for? Wrong question; should have started with: What am I really looking for?

Too many questions. Too few answers.

It's that time again. Blood is still fresh from the last time and yet, it's that time again. I have come to a crossroad. For a second, I stop. Not by choice, by demand. I turn around. Look back and see where I've been, what I've done. Look ahead again.

Before me, many roads. Not one of them is bright as day. Not one of them tells me where it leads. I know nothing and yet need to make a decision. I'm tired. I feel sick.

From experience I know some roads will make my journey easier and some will be so complex and dangerous I might even lose my life.

The wind blows again. I feel raindrops on my face. Look at the sky, so dark and beautiful. I know You are up there and I know You are watching; waiting for me to start walking again. I will soon, I promise. A peace which I cannot explain takes hold of my spirit. "Everything is going to be alright", I hear whispers in my ear. That voice again... It's the one voice that makes me feel safe.

Before me the future awaits. Where shall I go? Which road to take? How to know?

Doesn't matter... It's time... Let's go... Walk

a simple conversation...

2010-06-20T14:50:00.000-06:00

What I'm about to write is not really something that I came up with... It's not a story, nor an essay... It's a conversation between two very good friends: myself and Xan Castañeda (who is, by the way, one of the best people I know in this world. Lots of luv bro)

It started out as a simple conversation... but quickly became a way to express feelings and thoughts about life and much more...

I'm not going to specify who wrote what... And here it begins...

--->>> <<<---

look at what I wrote:

how much I dream of... of things I shouldn't dream of...

how much I long for... for someone I'm not sure should be longing for...

how much I miss peace... and quiet... and how much I miss... you...

and how much I want... you... and............ you....

I recall a haiku when reading your's

a poet climbed to the top of the temple of yesterday

and wrote on a stone

3 lines he wrote

and then he carved the lines out

for the tittle of the poem was PAIN

and it cannot be read

it can only be lived

yet in this misery I stay... and I wish, I hope, I pray...

for better days... for brighter days...

it is the darkest just before dawn...

when many give up hope and drown

don't despair

and hope will die last... everything might be lost...

all dead and destroyed...

but hope...

hope remains

like a blossomed flower in the midst of winter...

between the cold... between the ice

even the weakest flame can melt ice

even the weakest flame... can start a fire...

to overcome a heart...

a soul

a spirit

a life

life is love,

misbelief between love and want

to want is to desire for oneself

to love, is to sacrifice, for one else

to live... to love... to laugh...

the simple pleasures of life...

those blessed ones that can achieve true love...

it's like climbing upon your own cross

and stabbing through your own chest

for love is not selfish... love is not alone...

love is meant to be shared... love is meant to be lived

love is life, if you are missing love,

you are missing out on life

in our chairs we seat... we watch and behold...

how life walks us by... and there's nothing we can do

don't just sit by, go walk with it

endless are the roads

and all lead to Rome

this Rome you talk about... who lives there?

will I finally find what I've been looking for?

or will it take me to yet another place...

another place where the sun is shadowed... when she smiles...

where angels hold their breath... as she sings...

where I can finally...

hold her hand...?

you will go where you need to go...

your mind storms with chaos....

be still... listen to what the winds whisper

and you will find your answers

how can a blind wanderer know more about his world

than those who have seen it with their eyes?

because he LISTENS...

become aware of what is not true

become acquainted with what is not obvious

to finally see... what no other man can see...

to hear... what is just a quiet word...

to feel... at last... her love

who is this muse we talk about?

no name shall be set free...

imprisonment! why?!

some things... are better left unspoken...

some names... better left unsaid...

some wishes... better left in the hearts and minds of men

men.... cursed beings them be

yet how many beautiful words they can summon...

how much greatness achieved...

your heart needs not to worry...

for this muse...

this muse has a name...

and oh her beautiful name... and oh her beautiful self...

she has taken the very warmth of my heart... and I wish it'd come back...

I worry not for my heart......

it's locked away....

in a chest it rests until God wants me to bear its burden again

don't let her spells deprive you of your flames

even the warmth of hearts, can't be destroyed, it's only transformed

or given... or taken... she has never asked for it... but I would give it gladly...

this flames cannot be tamed... they cannot be put to rest...

they shall burn and burn...

and burn they shall

until they've consumed...

all that is me... all that I stand for...

you should die....

and be reborn from your ashes

with a renewed strenght to hunt thy dreams

to pursue... what seems to be unreachable...

but in the end... love shall conquer...

love shall overcome... love... will guide us home

and at last...

we shall live

at last...

we shall rest...

at last...

pray we must

Lord we thank you for we are blessed

we have our youth, let us use it to shape thy will

guide us through this tormented seas, don't let us be led astray from the light

we thank you father for our legs, for they are strong and carry us to where we must

we thank you for our hands, beautiful tool that allows us to create, shape, and destroy

we thank you for our minds,... which, empty yet as they are....

still being filled, like drops of rain slowly fill the empty jars

please let us use that rain, to water the soil of a great future, and let our actions harvest prosperity, maturity, and peace, for mankind.

Amen

--->>> <<<---

It is just the minds and hearts

of men who wonder about life and death

who can, in the end,

speak these words...

The Holy Land

2010-06-08T08:48:00.000-06:00

I fall to one knee...

I can see them in front of me... They are ready to continue this battle... They are here to destroy me and I am here to stop them... This is not what I chose... It's not the path I set for myself a long time ago... This is not the time nor the place I had planned...

Looking down to the ground... Rain pouring down on the battlefield... My blade in my hand... I'm tired... I'm sick of this... I just don't want to fight anymore... Why are they here? Why can't I just let go?

They scream for blood... They want mine... I want to live... They stand between me and my future... Between me and my hope...

I know that beyond this line of death... of destruction... there is a quiet valley. A place where I can finally rest and just be... It's not far from here..

Peace... I want peace...

Those who have dared awaken my wrath in the past have seen their blood drench my clothes and their soul been ripped out from their chests... There shall be no mercy for those who rise against me. I shall free them from this land... from this earth... They will vanish and I will remain. I will go to the Holy Land...

Yes....... It is time...........

Still down on one knee I tighten the grip on my blade. I can feel a lighting bolt find its way down my spine. My hearts starts beating fast. My eyes close... I rise to my feet...

Yes....... I scream.......

DEMONS!!!!

ALL OF YOU FEARS AND SHADOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!

HEAR ME NOW!!!!!!

YOU CAME FOR ME...

HERE I AM!!!!

let us finish what you've started.........

I SHALL BE FREE!!!!!

and tonight...

you all will die...

the doorway

2010-06-01T09:51:00.000-06:00

Cold... Dark... It's raining...

It feels like I've been walking for decades...

My head down... My eyes lost in the millions of thoughts that everyday cross my simple mind. I think of the day that just went by... Ordinary day... I'm sick of ordinary...

Streets are all alone. It's crazy to be out walking at this time, with this weather. It's so cold my skin is numb. My coat is now just a mantle of water over me. I can't look up, there's no reason to. I don't move because I want to, I move because my feet have decided to. I don't really have the energy or will to take myself in any direction. My mind is separated from my body and even from myself. It feels as if I was three different beings. One is walking... The other is considering everything about this day... And me... I'm just watching, I can't do anything else but watch.

It's funny how the deepest darkness and the coldest days can make me start to wonder about life. There is nothing else but me on the street. Birds went to bed a long time ago... Dogs are sleeping... People are just not there anymore. There's just me and this lonely street.

Something is telling me to stop.

Why? There's nothing here... I know it because I've walked this same street my whole life. I've been down this cold lonely road all my existence and there's never been anything or anyone else...

Goddammit, stop!!!!

I do.

I'm looking at my feet. Looking down to the ground. But something... Something is there... This is strange, I've never seen this before... It's always being me and just me... Alone in my mind... Alone in my heart... Alone

What is that...?

I hesitate... Look up... should I?

What for? I know there's nothing there...

C'mon feet, move again. It was nothing...

No movement...

They felt it too... It's not just me... My feet are curious now... They turn to one side...

And what does my mind have to say in all this...?

My never-resting mind is quiet... It's not thinking about all the problems of this day. It's not wondering about yesterday and planning tomorrow. It's just quiet and paying attention now...

Ok... My feet won't move... My mind won't speak... My heart stopped beating now... Something crawling down my spine... My eyes... they want to see... I know this street, it's EMPTY!!! I've walked the SAME PATH for years... since the begging of my time and just now... just now....

I realize... there's some light... a doorway...

Ok feet... You wanted this... now move... Take one step... then another... take me to that doorway. Bring me to the light...

I stand in front of this doorway... I look inside...

It can't be........ this just can't be.............. how...??? how is this possible...???

There is.......... someone there...

That's... that's an angel...

I've just seen an angel...

how could I have missed this my whole life.......???

Ablaze

2010-05-17T12:16:00.000-06:00

from a dark corner I watch...

I see light in the horizon... could it be real? is there light at the end of this tunnel?

"No."

I hear a voice... a voice talking to me... I turn... no-one's there... I must be going crazy...

"You're not crazy... I am here... But you can't see me."

I rush to my feet. What is this? I feel someone near me, but I can't see anything... the light in the horizon is just not bright enough...

"Don't be afraid... I'm not here to hurt you..."

The voice pauses for a second... I stand in awe.

"What would you do if I told you... That I am here to hold you? To save your from hell... To save you from yourself"

That's it... I'm definitely going crazy now... I can't believe there's a voice in the same dark corner I find myself in... and this voice now asks me questions...

It must be only an illusion... I sit down again. Watching that dimmer light far away from me

"No... I'm not an illusion... I am as real as the blood running through your veins... I am as real as that pain you feel in your chest... I am as real as the tears running down your face... I am real."

How can it be? How can this be? Why do I feel arms holding me??? Where does this peace come from? Who is here?

"I am the one who bled for you... I am the one who was cursed at for you... They hung me from a cross... And I let them... Because I love you."

"I have loved you since before you were born... Come with me"

Somehow I rise to my feet. I start walking... I don't feel so alone anymore... I look back to that dark corner... It's smaller and smaller... Farther away from me... As I turn to face the dimmer light I realize... My footprints are on the ground... But next to them there are more footprints... I stop. Look around. Nobody's there. My footprints... Someone else's footprints...

"I told you... You can't see me... But I'm here... Don't be afraid... I'm not going anywhere."

I walk... and walk... and feel the light on my face... It's getting warmer and warmer... The light gets brighter and brighter as we walk towards it... It looks like... Fire

The world is on fire... The world is burning... My city. My house. Everything I ever knew... Is gone... Everyone I ever met... Is dead... There's nothing left but fire and ashes... My life is ablaze...

"This is where you come from. Your life... This is your life before your eyes. Everything is burning to the ground."

Fall to my knees. I cry. My life...

"This is your past. This is not you. Maybe one day this was you. Today, you are with me. And together, we will walk. To a better life. To a better world. Would you like to come with me? Would you like me to be with you? We will build a new life; together."

Let Him take you.

He will not harm you.
He died for you.

Will you walk with Him?

Will you build a new life?

This is only... The beginning

that dark angel...

2010-04-30T10:51:00.000-06:00

I never wanted this to happen... It was never my goal to see you again, eye to eye, face to face...

I thought this angel was gone... this dark angel that stands at my door... what to do with this angel who's here only to hurt? What shall I do? It does not come in peace... It does not bring good news... It only carries death and misery... What am I to do?

I look death in the eye and I smile...

"Have you come for me?", I ask...

Death shows no feelings, no face... Stands in front of me waiting... As if something was about to happen... and something IS about to happen...

"We've met before... Remember? We are not really strangers to each other... You've known me my whole life... You've seen me grow and become the man I am today..."

Death only watches me...

"I've never been afraid of you... " An evil smile starts showing on my face... "And it's not about to change... "

I am no longer in peace... I am alive... I am breathing... I am unafraid...

"I will not have this... I will not have you take my life... I will not have you bring me down..."

For a moment there Death seems to take a step back... This dark angel facing me right now... This dark angel is not the end... This is not where I take my last breath.

I look down to the ground... Wage my options... Sweet release of Death; fall asleep... don't wake up again... a painless world...

But there is so much more to live for! So much more to die for! To fight for!!!

Life can't be like I've known so far... It can't be this restless nightmare; a state of illusion... of darkness

Life is so much more...

"You have come here for my life... And in return... I will take yours. I'll bleed... I'll hurt... I'll overcome... and you shall die"

My teeth clinching... My fists ready... My blood pumping... My eyes filled with rage...

Death takes a step back...

"No... you will not escape this... this is your end, Dark Angel... this is as far as you go..."

Passion

2010-03-30T22:44:00.000-06:00

It's been a bit of a long day... Woke up a bit late, cuz I decided to go to sleep at 3 in the morning. It's not because I was working or anything, I just wanted to NOT sleep early... Helped my mom with a couple of things... Went to the park and played basketball and soccer for several hours. I'm sooooo tired that I can barely walk... And on top of that my back's hurting a bit, but it's manageable.

Now back to the title of this short piece of my mind... It's a lil bit strange how a mind really works; I was watching a movie on T.V. "The Longest Yard", and lately all the movies I've seen have a feeling like the one I'm talking about right now. Not only that but some things in my life have happened and now I'm thinking about this even more. What are we doin' here in this world? What is our purpose? Our goals?

It's just that I've been thinking about happiness... I was a bit down a few days ago and since my laptop was broken (I've got another old one btw) I did a lot of reading. I eventually wound up reading a bit of a magazine where the topic was happiness. They were asking what happiness really is and I've been asking myself the same question. As a matter of fact, for those of you who actually read some of my blog entries/notes (depends on whether you're reading on FB or my personal blog) I said in my last post that I had another question for you... Well this is pretty much it: what is happiness? Do we have different definitions for it? Depends on the person? Does money buy happiness? What is it that makes us get up every day and smile? The answer... Well I don't really have an answer for this... I've thought about it, but can't really sum it up into one simple (semi simple) answer. In my case I believe happiness is a choice. You choose to be happy or choose not to be. Situations change, events happen... But you still have the option to smile or not. Anywho... This is not really what this post's about... This is about passion... Which just happens to be a part of the answer for happiness: you have to be passionate about something in order to be happy. Feel like you have something to do in life, somewhere to go...

Which incidentally brings us to our next point in the matter: we NEED goals in our lives. If we don't have them we're simply roaming around pretending to be alive when we're actually just taking breaths. It's VERY different to be alive than to simply breath... I don't think many will argue that point...

Nonetheless... We need something to look forward to. Some place we need to reach, some goal in need of achievement, something material to finally get, someone to love... It doesn't really matter if the goal is a matter of life and death... It can be getting fit, getting good grades, start reading books, stop drinking, found a millionaire company, found a small business, buy that dress you've been dreaming about for so long, buy that car or that house, make more friends, take care of those friends you've already got, say "I love you" more often, say "I'm sorry" more often, take someone out to dinner, take your parents out to dinner, text people you know letting them know you think of them, comment on their wall... You can do almost anything and make almost anything into a goal. It's not difficult and trust me, it helps your life.

That small sense of achievement once you've finally done what you were thinking of doing is indescribable... You start building steps; one at a time. Every time you finish something you set out to do you build a small but important step. At the end of your life you get to check the altitude. Maybe you're two feet above the ground, maybe you're right next to an airplane or maybe even right next to God... In the end we build those steps to get there... (Even tho we get there simply by asking Him... we still gotta build those steps...)

Take a minute this week... Sit down in front of a piece of paper; pen in hand. Start writing everything that you want to do. Really, think about it: how do you know you've been successful in life if you don't really know what you want to do? Trace a route... You don't have to finish EVERYTHING the first time... But at least plan your week. What do you want to do this week? How about this month? This next semester...? Who do you want to be...? What do you want to change...?

Start small, build on that small thing, make it big...

ONE

SIMPLE

STEP

TIME

Every man...

Every woman...

Every child...

Needs something...

To live for...

Something to die for...

So what are you gonna do...?

Who...?

2010-03-23T21:07:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone, how u doin? U missed me?

Well... I've been away for a while... prolly like 2 months... and a lot has happened in those 2 months. I'm not even going to start talking about wut has happened for several reasons: one of them being the fact that I don't remember everything and another reason is that I do NOT want to remember everything. Life's still good, don't worry bout that, but yeah... life sux at times...

I have soooooo much to write about... and I don't really remember every topic... So let's start with wut I actually do remember... and first of all I'd just like to say that it's the 23rd of March 2010, 20:42hrs according to the clock on my computer and I'm feelin' a lil bit sick; got the flu or something.

I've been doin' a lot of thinking lately. And there are 2 questions that have really messed with my mind. I don't really have the answer to any of both, which is, as u all might already know, no deterrent for me. I'm going to write them anyways and explain away wutever that is in my mind and try to make myself as clear as possible, even when I know that's almost impossible.

Question #1 - Who are you? or posted differently: Who am I?

This question has been in my mind for a looooong time and now I've decided to bring it to you; maybe u've got a better answer than I do.

Think about it for a second... If someone comes up to you and asks you "Who are you?", what would u answer? First of u'd answer with ur name. But now, is that really you? Or just a label for the flesh u represent? For the mind who u believe is urs?

"I'm a living person" -> alrite, that's true. But who are you? Are you the things that you do? The way u react? The way u handle urself in public? How bout in private...? Are you the same in public and in private?

Sooooooo are you how you act...? Are you the actions u take? Or merely the decisions u make? Cuz sometimes one has to do things that aren't really wut one wants to do... so u can't be ur actions... that would mean that u're wut u want and wut other people want... That's just crazy.

I'm not asking "What do you do?" I'm asking "Who are you?".

Let's try and take this to a higher level... Are you wut u think? The thoughts that cross ur mind... The ideas that u have... the illusions, the dreams... are you that?

Have u ever had a daydream about u saving the world from a savage beast or maybe an alien invasion? Yes? Are u that person? Are u the one who's going to save the world from an inexistent beast or a nuclear holocaust? Are ur thoughts really who u are? Or are they just a reflection of the one who really is u...?

Morals and values... Does that define who u are? Because if that's the answer... Well I've got a comment for u... How bout all the other people in the WHOLE WORLD who have the same morals and values as u do? Does that mean that u are them and they are u?

Who are you???

I believe that the answer to this question is extremely complicated and prolly not even rite (at least my answer). To answer this question I will try to explain who I am... This is going to be difficult... and I don't even know if it's a good idea...

I am... A man... A human being... A living organism... I breath and I feel and I think. I also react and sometimes I'm more of an animal than a human. Instincts can lead my life for a second or two and I'm just not deciding in those moments, I'm reacting. Reactions can be managed and learned to control but they're reactions nontheless. I'm a thinking being who can decide on many different aspects of life... I live under certain standards that define wut's right and wut's wrong. I also make up my own mind based on those standars to decide if something is write or wrong. The end doesn't always justify the means, but sometimes it's a close call. It's not easy being me... It's just as easy as it is to be u... Every person is a world itself and trying to understand is just impossible so don't even bother. I am also wut I do... Every action I take is a part of a decision I made or a reaction that happened and it shows who I am... Then again, I can change decisions and thus change actions. I may be a murdered, but that's because I choose to. I may be a drunk but that's because I choose to. I may be a jerk but that's just because I choose to. The actions that I take are only a reflection of a decision behind it.

I am what I think. I am what I do. I am what I choose. I am what I feel. I am...

I am who I am...

Question #2 - well... we'll talk about that some other time...

aut vincere... aut mori...

2010-01-27T16:17:00.000-06:00

This is one of those days when things just don't seem to work out. You look out the window and all is gray. The sun seems to be hidden behind a curtain of clouds and fog and, of course, smog from the city you live in. You realize you have done all in your power. All you could. Still, it was not enough to make it. You tried different ways and you expected at least one of them to work; none did. You had what you thought was your sure way out, the safe passage to heaven. Yet, it just doesn't work out like you expected. That safe passage, that way out... Now it's gone and it's probably not coming back. It was a dream, an illusion. The rock you were standing on just faded out and revealed the true fact: you are not standing, you are falling.

It's not that your mad at anybody or anything. You're not really disappointed in what happened. You understand where they're coming from and what they mean. They only want what's best for you, but sometimes you don't. You know that it's surely not your best idea, your best plan. It's actually stupid to do so, nonetheless you want to try. You've heard that the way to learn something is by making mistakes and you are willing to risk that chance and make your own mistakes. Even when others are already telling you that it's wrong. You don't care. You can't. You have had everything and everybody against you (or at least so it feels... It's surely an illusion, but it feels too damn real). You're swimming against the current and simply won't give up. There might be a bear waiting for you at the end of the river, but is that a sure fact? Will that bear catch you and take you apart? Are you sure about this, about your future, about your deaths? Personally... Simply knowing that I don't know... it keeps me going...

YES, it's hard.
YES, they are not going to help you.
YES, it's going to take you more than expected.
YES, it might (most likely will) hurt.
YES, you'll miss out on many things.
YES, it looks, feels and even smells like a dream.
YES, you can't manage right now. (This doesn't mean you won't)
YES, it fucking IS tough!!!

NOW THE QUESTION IS SIMPLE...

WILL YOU GIVE UP?
WILL YOU FALL TO YOUR KNEES?
WILL YOU YIELD?
WILL YOU SURRENDER?
WILL YOU CONQUER, OR WILL YOU DIE?!?!?!

The answer... comes in a shout from the darkest deepest corners of your soul. It's a roar that makes the ground shake... all stands in awe staring at you while fear overtakes their spirits. Demons halt, angels stay still... humans stare... and you...

you are standing in the center...

NOOOO!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!! I WILL NOT YIELD!!! I WILL NOT SURRENDER!!!!

I WILL CONQUER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or I shall die trying...

patience and determination

2010-01-20T22:54:00.000-06:00

I should be asleep right now. Dreaming of a better place, wishing for other times.

Yes, I am feeling a bit melancholic and I'm not afraid to show it. It's something I enjoy from time to time. But what triggered this feeling that had been away for so long? Simple and complex, I simply don't know.

Listening to some very good music, but very slow music. It makes me think about... Well... Women. For some time now I've been thinking about how many chances I have let just seen pass me by. And YES I mean girlfriends. I've had the chance to be with several different girls who are simply amazing. In their very own way and in their very different way they are amazing. Yet I haven't done anything to pursue them (just one, of course... I'm not talking about pursuing ALL of them...). Is there something wrong with me? Why don't I simply choose one? I don't know. I honestly do not know.

Anyways, I was thinking about that and listening to this music and I just decided to write a bit. It's been a loooooong while since I last wrote here and I'd like to write more often. It's just that time is not always on my side. Today tho, I decided to ask the lil fairy with the sleep-powder to grant me a couple of minutes to write this.

You see I'm tired of waiting for love. I haven't found it in some time and I've waited, I've searched, I've done almost everything, but I haven't found it yet. I know it's waiting for me somewhere, but it also kinda seems like it's hiding. I was in a rush; but rush no more. I am a patient man if it's required of me and I'm starting to see that it truly is the case right now. I know a lot of people are in this very same place. Maybe you've found a "relationship" but really, have you found love? How about you and me wait together? And, if we don't get an answer... Well then we'll apply this:

-- aut viam inveniam aut faciam --

I will either FIND a way, or MAKE one...

Thoughts on life, love and... ???

2009-12-12T23:25:00.000-06:00

I just finished watching the end of a movie called "Love Actually". You have probably seen it and I hope you really liked it because I love this movie.

It has been a long while since I last wrote in this blog and I'm sorry for that. I wanted to write more often when I started this and I remember my 'usual' fuel of writing were some experiences regarding love which might not have been the best of my life.

Then again, I see this kind of movies and I wonder about my own life and my own relationships. Life is not like a movie in many ways. First of all (and one of the biggest points in my opinion) is that life doesn't really have a soundtrack. You can add music to it, but it's just not the same. In my life music is very important and a soundtrack would be b-e-a-utiful! This should explain, to some extent, why I am always wearing earphones.

Now then, besides music, life is really not like many of the fairy tales we see in movies. It's strange how in movies things usually work out and in life is usually the other way around. Or at least so it seems... And I guess that's the purpose of this small (I hope) piece of work.

Movies have a script; they have a beginning, a couple of issues or problems, intrigue, twists and finally an end. In two hours or less you will be taken throughout a persons life (or several people) and a story will be told. In the case of this particular movie, several stories about love and very VERY particular situations. This scripts tell people EXACTLY what they are supposed to do, how to react, what to say, who to look at, what faces to make and so on and so forth. BUT!!! What about life? Who tells you what to do or what to say? What are the words you're supposed to say to the person you like? Is it going to sound the way you're thinking about it? Or will the words that come out of your mouth (or cellphone or comment or post) screw you over and turn you upside down?
Well... Nobody is telling you what to do.

And that IS the beauty of life! There are NO scripts, NO fixed dialogues, NO prepared situations. NOTHING in life, really, is set up. And if something is, it shouldn't be. Why? Simple: life is about surprises. About NOT knowing the very next thing, the very next moment. What would be the fun in it if we knew exactly what was going to happen? We'd be better off dead.

At this point in my life I have a lot going on for me. I'm studying, I have a beautiful family, friends I never imagined I could have, purpose and changes and I'm currently looking into a romantic opportunity. I'm not saying I have it all or I know it all. But I AM saying that I have a lot. And I'm very thankful for what I have. But all this that I have is here not because it was written or pre-set. It's here because of the decisions I've made and the decisions other people have made. We never got together to agree on what we were going to say/do/think/etc. We just went with it.

Bottom line: GO WITH IT!!! Don't be reckless and stupid (although I have to say it sometimes pays off); think about what your're doing, but don't let anything hold you back. Mistakes? No... Life experiences.

There is nothing set, nothing written. The story is yet a blank page... What are you waiting for? Get out there and LIVE!!!

looooong time...

2009-10-25T19:01:00.001-06:00

so yeah, for quite some time I haven't written here... and now here I am, thinking about what I should write...

Many different topics come to mind: girls (my usual topic), work (my recent topic since I just started working), family (which is ALWAYS a topic), friends (one of the best features of a persons life). But I'm still not sure and I'm just going to do what I usually do: talk about whatever.

First of all let me paint you a lil' picture: Guy at a table. It's a pretty big table for 6 people (I know there are bigger, but it's big enough for me right now...) and he's with his laptop. Has got a bowl of soup between the laptop and him and he's just writing whatever comes to his mind. Kinda like this right now.

I guess I'm a bad writer when it comes to describing a scenario. At least the last paragraph: not award-worthy. Nonetheless I shall keep on writing for it has been a long time since my last entry. And even tho I believe not many read this it still helps me get through storms and shadows. Those dark roads we all travel by.

Right now I'm not really walking on a dark road. As a matter of fact things are looking up: I have a job, I am currently studying something I really like, I have some of the best friends a person could ask for, I love my family (even tho we have our fights).

One things kinda bothers me right now. But I shouldn't really talk about it in the open like this. I know I'm not usually the guy who keeps things to himself. As a matter of fact I usually write everything I feel like writing and everything that's happenin' to me at the moment. But sometimes it's best to keep some secrets to yourself.

Anyway... This is not an entry to talk about deep feelings or serious situations. It's not about life and what comes after it or how we should behave in it. How life can be great and bad at the same time (because it can).

You know what? I just got into the mood to write a short story... hehe... I'm going to start a new entry... and try to write something ;)

Remember yesterday?

2009-08-16T01:08:00.001-06:00

It's 1 in the morning and I have to wake up at about 6. I'm going to church tomorrow, having breakfast and then a whooooole lot of activities to do. But then again, that's not really why I started this blog...

Just a few minutes ago I was looking at some very very old yearbooks. Yesterday I went to a party (btw, I still owe you the story about that party... Some good moments there which I might just write about...) and there one of my friends introduced me to his girlfriend. Turns out she was my best friend when I was in first grade. Wanna know how many years have gone by? Well, lemme just say I was looking at the 1996 yearbook and yes, we are all there.

You know... Time really does go by fast. Just yesterady I was still in school and now I'm in college. Yesterday I didn't have to worry about projects, midterms or anything. There were just a few homeworks, getting up early in the morning to be ready for school, some exams... The usual... Now things are a lot different... Times are a lot different too...

I'm gonna keep this post kinda short since I do have to go to sleep (even though I'm not really sleepy). The whole point of this is to make you realize how fast life is going. How ready you have to be to keep on keeping on. Every day has about 24 hours (it's not exact... just close enough for us humans) and you can do a LOT in 24 hours. As a matter of fact you can do a lot in just about an hour. A few minutes of talking to someone can change your life and sometimes... There are a few moments in life that just take seconds... Those moments can even define you or where you are heading...

Today also I was reading a book called "La Resistencia" (The Resistence) by Ernesto Sabato (great writer, you should check it out if possible). It reminded me of how lost we all can get inside this online living. How we all just keep forgeting how beautiful life is around us... Have you just stopped and looked at the sky lately? Promise me this... Tomorrow or even today... You will stop doing whatever you are doing. It doesn't really matter if it's work, school, chores, watching TV or whatever. You will stop whatever it is you are doing and just take a deep breath, go outside and look at the sky. If it's raining watch the beauty of it. If it's a sunny day then just take in the sun and all it's energy. If it's cloudy look at the beautiful forms they build... Once you do that... You'll realize how beautiful life is and how much you've missed it.

Trust me on this one... I may just be a kid (I'm 21) but I have lost parts of my life for worrying about things not worthy... for paying more attention to details than this amazing journey we call life...

Take a moment and breath in the life around you... Remember yesterday? Well that's gone... And it went by just a 'lil too fast... Try to take in today... Live today... Breath today... Love today...

Look up...

2009-08-13T22:22:00.000-06:00

{{ This is a short story I once wrote... Can't remember right now why I wrote it... But some people thought it was nice and maybe... just maybe... it's worth reading... }}

Once upon a time there was this man. He lived in a gray world, surrounded by objects and matter. He didn't have anyone left. His parents had died; he had fallen in love once but she was long gone now, she left him for another man. He was still young, around 30 years of age, and he was a very healthy person. Healthy in body, but his mind was troubled. He felt like he was all alone despite all those people he knew, despite his friends from work, despite the fact that every morning at 6:35am he'd walk outside his house, pick up the newspaper and start a very friendly conversation with Mr. Caldwell, his neighbor. Somehow it all felt empty...

Life had no color anymore; it had no scent and it was filled with cold. He could still remember those years of youth, when he was still in school, how everything felt so vividly, everyone was so loving and caring and he was another man. He sat down at his table, coffee in hand, newspaper in the other hand. Mr. Caldwell was just telling him about the new medicine he had bought to treat his cardiac disease. For a moment there he just looked straight ahead, glaring at a distant past. He thought of the day he met his ex-wife. Oh how beautiful that day felt. He was just hanging out with his friends at the local coffee house, chatting about their latest math class and how horrible the mid-terms are going to be. All of the sudden he was dragged into silence by this beautiful woman who had just walked in. He forgot about his friends, forgot about school, even forgot he was leaning back with his chair and fell down making this horrible noise. A small grin shows up in his face as he recalls how she looked at him with that heavenly smile. He picked himself up while his friends where just laughing and joking about how 'gracefully' he had sat on the floor. He could do nothing but look at her. Then she walked out of that coffee shop and he just stood there; watching her leave, wishing he was brave enough to walk up to her and talk to her. He didn't. But that was not the end of it... Like I said before, his ex-wife...

He finished his coffee, finished reading the newspaper. Nothing new, some dead people, murdered by other men who have just lost every bit of humanity left in them. They're nothing but breathing beasts that take what they want and leave. Sometimes they even take lives. The new mayor had made some changes in traffic routes and he just knew how chaotic today's driving was going to be. He didn't really care. Spending time alone in traffic, waiting to get to a place I don't really want to be, having to spend 10 hours sitting behind a desk which brings me misery... Yes, it doesn't really sound that bad... He thought to himself...

Yet another day of nothingness and gray lives. Yet another moment in which nothing is felt, nothing is hoped... This day when you just don't find anything to live for. He was having yet another day like that. Nothing to look forward to. This was his life, and he was sure nothing was about to change.

He had the car keys in one hand and his laptop in the other, walked out of the house waiting for nothing, thinking this was the beginning of another pointless week. However this time it was different, somehow he stopped right outside his door, looked up... And he saw the wind blowing the fallen leaves away, he heard birds singing, saw kids playing down the street. Somehow it was different, somehow he felt different. It was like, for a very brief instant, life had stopped moving, everything beautiful was standing still before him; a brief moment to hold on to... He didn't pay much attention to it, a bump on the road he thought.

He got to his desk and it was all where he had left it, all but a note. This is strange... A bright post-it glued to his desk saying: "you're gonna have a great day today" and a smiley next to it. Who had left this here? His secretary knew nothing about it. This is strange... He thought...

At noon he was called to his boss's office. "You've been doing an amazing job lately! So much, that we have decided to give you a raise and paid vacations in Aruba!" His boss had a great smile as he spoke this words. He could simply not believe it... What's this? I'm smiling?

About to leave, everything packed. He was closing his office's door and he heard a soft voice. "Did you get my note?" He turned around and there were these two green pearls looking back at him. He couldn't really respond to that question, but somehow managed to blurt out a simple: "yes..." "Well I hope you did have a great day, and I hope tomorrow is even better than today" she turned around and walked away. He stood there, looking at her. She stopped, turned around, looked at him and smiled. He smiled back. She left.

"This was a very good day" he thought. He then remembered one thing: God had given him life. He was still breathing, and it was because he was still breathing that he could live that day. Life was still worth living... What started out as a very gray day, a day which promised nothing but loneliness nothing but cold... Turned out to be a very good day... It all started... When he looked up...

when God...

2009-08-13T01:10:00.000-06:00

so this is really my frist blog... i've been writing for a while now, but this is the first time i open up a blog and make it even more public... i've been "publishing" my "essays" in other places or sumtimes just give it to friends... but i want to try this out and here i am. Hope u like it and plz, leave me a comment... if u like it or don't, just comment on it so i can improve my writing... thank you =)

u know... i wanted to go out today... i didn't feel like staying home and just living... i didn't want to think bout wut i've been thinking lately...

u c recently i lost someone who i believe i love... not "loved" but love... and that hurts... quite a lot. Most of u will know wut i'm talking bout... losing someone i mean.

In my case it's kinda ridiculous but then again i am kinda ridiculous... i have my weird moments and i wouldn't change them for anything; they make me who i am... and i wouldn't change who i am even when sumtimes it hurts a lot to be how i am...

and why am i writing all this? well... like a note i wrote a while ago... this is completely selfish... i'm writing cuz i need to, cuz i have to, cuz if i don't, my heart will break and i won't be able to put it back together... i'm a dramatic fellow, so either accept it or stop reading...

so how bout the title eh? "when God..." i wrote it cuz i was answering a wall post from my sis from another mother... a girl who's always been there for me and who i really do love... (thnx girl... u know who u are...) and u c... i was bout to write a line on her wallpost... comment it... and i was going to write sumthing which i believe was better declared as a note... when God made me... i'm sure He thought sumthing like: "let's make this guy a tough one... one who can take everything and anything that comes his way... who can withstand all the seasons in life... storms, hurricanes and earthquakes... one who can face death and laugh in it's face... who will never shake... who will take on the world if he has to... who's heart can take the pain... the pain that comes in life..."

at least that wut i wish He had thought... but guess wut? i'm mistaken... i'm not a tough guy and my heart doesn't really take the pain... me, by myself, can NOT accomplish anything... and i wish i were that tough guy in my head... that guy who can just stand up again and keep walking... but i'm not that guy... and it hurts not to be... but it is in MY FLAWS that God shows His true power u know? if it were by my strength i would be dead already... i couldn't stand this... nor would i wanna... but it is Him who takes my hand when i've fallen and picks me up again... it is Him who has never left my side... who sat next to me and hugged me as i cried... when i felt the loneliest He was there... when the world collapsed and came down on me He was there... He's always been there...

i don't really know why i wanted to write this but i'm kinda glad i am... it's making me feel better as i write and i know a lot of u will be moved and touched by this... because i know many of u have felt alone... many of u have felt like the walls close in and the roofs starts falling... but there He is... He's never left ur side either... that's the beauty of being God... He can be everywhere at the same time... so when He's with me, He's also with you... and in a way... u and me are together... so we're never alone u see?

i am crying as i write this... and i don't cry that much... but lately i've found peace in crying... specially if u realize that Jesus is holding u... and u can just cry and let go... cuz that's wut He wants... He wants to take care of you, cuz He knows sumtimes life's just overwhelming... but He can take it... remember the tough guy i wanted to be? Well... He's better at it than i am...

just to finish this note... i wanted to explain a lil bit bout my status... it says sumthing like: "I've become the murderer of my own hope... i gotta..."
to those who still worry bout me, don't... there is a reason why i have to murder hope... and it is quite simple...
u see in life not everything is up to u... sum choices just depend on someone else... and they do affect ur life... it just happened to me and i'm sure it has happened to u too... and it happens in a lot of different ways...
in my case i have to murder hope so i can move on and get past this... i don't mean all my hopes and wishes... i'm just talking bout hoping to get sumone back in my life... it's simply not going to happen and for me to move on that hope has to die...

that's it... i just gotta move on... to move on i just gotta let go... and that hope has to be over...