when God...

so this is really my frist blog... i've been writing for a while now, but this is the first time i open up a blog and make it even more public... i've been "publishing" my "essays" in other places or sumtimes just give it to friends... but i want to try this out and here i am. Hope u like it and plz, leave me a comment... if u like it or don't, just comment on it so i can improve my writing... thank you =)

u know... i wanted to go out today... i didn't feel like staying home and just living... i didn't want to think bout wut i've been thinking lately...

u c recently i lost someone who i believe i love... not "loved" but love... and that hurts... quite a lot. Most of u will know wut i'm talking bout... losing someone i mean.

In my case it's kinda ridiculous but then again i am kinda ridiculous... i have my weird moments and i wouldn't change them for anything; they make me who i am... and i wouldn't change who i am even when sumtimes it hurts a lot to be how i am...

and why am i writing all this? well... like a note i wrote a while ago... this is completely selfish... i'm writing cuz i need to, cuz i have to, cuz if i don't, my heart will break and i won't be able to put it back together... i'm a dramatic fellow, so either accept it or stop reading...

so how bout the title eh? "when God..." i wrote it cuz i was answering a wall post from my sis from another mother... a girl who's always been there for me and who i really do love... (thnx girl... u know who u are...) and u c... i was bout to write a line on her wallpost... comment it... and i was going to write sumthing which i believe was better declared as a note... when God made me... i'm sure He thought sumthing like: "let's make this guy a tough one... one who can take everything and anything that comes his way... who can withstand all the seasons in life... storms, hurricanes and earthquakes... one who can face death and laugh in it's face... who will never shake... who will take on the world if he has to... who's heart can take the pain... the pain that comes in life..."

at least that wut i wish He had thought... but guess wut? i'm mistaken... i'm not a tough guy and my heart doesn't really take the pain... me, by myself, can NOT accomplish anything... and i wish i were that tough guy in my head... that guy who can just stand up again and keep walking... but i'm not that guy... and it hurts not to be... but it is in MY FLAWS that God shows His true power u know? if it were by my strength i would be dead already... i couldn't stand this... nor would i wanna... but it is Him who takes my hand when i've fallen and picks me up again... it is Him who has never left my side... who sat next to me and hugged me as i cried... when i felt the loneliest He was there... when the world collapsed and came down on me He was there... He's always been there...

i don't really know why i wanted to write this but i'm kinda glad i am... it's making me feel better as i write and i know a lot of u will be moved and touched by this... because i know many of u have felt alone... many of u have felt like the walls close in and the roofs starts falling... but there He is... He's never left ur side either... that's the beauty of being God... He can be everywhere at the same time... so when He's with me, He's also with you... and in a way... u and me are together... so we're never alone u see?

i am crying as i write this... and i don't cry that much... but lately i've found peace in crying... specially if u realize that Jesus is holding u... and u can just cry and let go... cuz that's wut He wants... He wants to take care of you, cuz He knows sumtimes life's just overwhelming... but He can take it... remember the tough guy i wanted to be? Well... He's better at it than i am...

just to finish this note... i wanted to explain a lil bit bout my status... it says sumthing like: "I've become the murderer of my own hope... i gotta..."
to those who still worry bout me, don't... there is a reason why i have to murder hope... and it is quite simple...
u see in life not everything is up to u... sum choices just depend on someone else... and they do affect ur life... it just happened to me and i'm sure it has happened to u too... and it happens in a lot of different ways...
in my case i have to murder hope so i can move on and get past this... i don't mean all my hopes and wishes... i'm just talking bout hoping to get sumone back in my life... it's simply not going to happen and for me to move on that hope has to die...

that's it... i just gotta move on... to move on i just gotta let go... and that hope has to be over...