aut vincere... aut mori...

This is one of those days when things just don't seem to work out. You look out the window and all is gray. The sun seems to be hidden behind a curtain of clouds and fog and, of course, smog from the city you live in. You realize you have done all in your power. All you could. Still, it was not enough to make it. You tried different ways and you expected at least one of them to work; none did. You had what you thought was your sure way out, the safe passage to heaven. Yet, it just doesn't work out like you expected. That safe passage, that way out... Now it's gone and it's probably not coming back. It was a dream, an illusion. The rock you were standing on just faded out and revealed the true fact: you are not standing, you are falling.

It's not that your mad at anybody or anything. You're not really disappointed in what happened. You understand where they're coming from and what they mean. They only want what's best for you, but sometimes you don't. You know that it's surely not your best idea, your best plan. It's actually stupid to do so, nonetheless you want to try. You've heard that the way to learn something is by making mistakes and you are willing to risk that chance and make your own mistakes. Even when others are already telling you that it's wrong. You don't care. You can't. You have had everything and everybody against you (or at least so it feels... It's surely an illusion, but it feels too damn real). You're swimming against the current and simply won't give up. There might be a bear waiting for you at the end of the river, but is that a sure fact? Will that bear catch you and take you apart? Are you sure about this, about your future, about your deaths? Personally... Simply knowing that I don't know... it keeps me going...

YES, it's hard.
YES, they are not going to help you.
YES, it's going to take you more than expected.
YES, it might (most likely will) hurt.
YES, you'll miss out on many things.
YES, it looks, feels and even smells like a dream.
YES, you can't manage right now. (This doesn't mean you won't)
YES, it fucking IS tough!!!

NOW THE QUESTION IS SIMPLE...

WILL YOU GIVE UP?
WILL YOU FALL TO YOUR KNEES?
WILL YOU YIELD?
WILL YOU SURRENDER?
WILL YOU CONQUER, OR WILL YOU DIE?!?!?!

The answer... comes in a shout from the darkest deepest corners of your soul. It's a roar that makes the ground shake... all stands in awe staring at you while fear overtakes their spirits. Demons halt, angels stay still... humans stare... and you...

you are standing in the center...

NOOOO!!!!!!!!! I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!! I WILL NOT YIELD!!! I WILL NOT SURRENDER!!!!

I WILL CONQUER!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or I shall die trying...

patience and determination

I should be asleep right now. Dreaming of a better place, wishing for other times.

Yes, I am feeling a bit melancholic and I'm not afraid to show it. It's something I enjoy from time to time. But what triggered this feeling that had been away for so long? Simple and complex, I simply don't know.

Listening to some very good music, but very slow music. It makes me think about... Well... Women. For some time now I've been thinking about how many chances I have let just seen pass me by. And YES I mean girlfriends. I've had the chance to be with several different girls who are simply amazing. In their very own way and in their very different way they are amazing. Yet I haven't done anything to pursue them (just one, of course... I'm not talking about pursuing ALL of them...). Is there something wrong with me? Why don't I simply choose one? I don't know. I honestly do not know.

Anyways, I was thinking about that and listening to this music and I just decided to write a bit. It's been a loooooong while since I last wrote here and I'd like to write more often. It's just that time is not always on my side. Today tho, I decided to ask the lil fairy with the sleep-powder to grant me a couple of minutes to write this.

You see I'm tired of waiting for love. I haven't found it in some time and I've waited, I've searched, I've done almost everything, but I haven't found it yet. I know it's waiting for me somewhere, but it also kinda seems like it's hiding. I was in a rush; but rush no more. I am a patient man if it's required of me and I'm starting to see that it truly is the case right now. I know a lot of people are in this very same place. Maybe you've found a "relationship" but really, have you found love? How about you and me wait together? And, if we don't get an answer... Well then we'll apply this:

-- aut viam inveniam aut faciam --

I will either FIND a way, or MAKE one...