Existence

Oh God... I'm tired... I'm so tired...

I've been walking for so long. This dark lonely road. Every day looking ahead; every day looking back.

It's really strange how this works. The first couple of years I didn't quite get it. I cannot stop; not allowed to. I can look back if I want to, but not turn around. Whatever I did is done and it can only be observed, not changed.

I started this journey exactly 8070 days ago. That's more than 22 years. I don't really remember the beginning, but I do know I didn't take the first steps. I was carried in someone else's arms; someone who... someone who really loved me. To this day... She still loves me. Of that I am sure. One of the few things I'm sure of... is that.

If I'm not mistaken, those few first months were really amazing. Everything was simple, one way to go: forward. And even simpler since I was not the one walking; I just let myself get carried. Time flies...

After this beautiful time it was up to me to take the steps forward. I began to pay attention to what was going on around me. The road I used to walk on was full of light. I could see ahead, at least a little bit. It was really a strange situation. I could turn around and watch the road I had already walked and it was cristal clear. Beautiful and simple. Turn around again and I could see ahead, but it was a bit foggy at times; and sometimes even dark.

I kept walking for many days. Never stopping. Always looking back. Always looking ahead. I still am walking... I still look back... I still stare ahead...

A few memories of the road still dwell in my mind. Sometimes, if I try real hard, I can even see it as if it were happening all over again. I can feel that sun burning my skin. The fresh wind blowing against my face. That smell... It used to smell so nice... I felt alive.

I wake up again. I haven't stopped walking. I can't.

The road has changed with time. It has changed me as well. It's not been easy. My arms have deep cuts. My chest is full of scratches and scars. My feet... New blisters merge with the old and make a very painful mix. My hands almost feel nothing and my face still carries the marks and brands of roads past.

Walking has hurt me. Walking keeps hurting me. And yet, I cannot stop.

I look back. I can see the road I just walked on. Yes, I remember it all. What I felt, what happened. But I can't see the begging of the road, just that little trail behind me.

I turn around and watch the road ahead. It's so dark. I'm so tired; so sick of walking by myself. But I know I cannot have company. I've learned with time... How this journey works.

It's quite simple, but it took me many years to really understand it. I walk and there is nothing I can do, think or pray to stop that. The only moment when I'm allowed to take a break is when I face a crossroad. It's only then that my feet stop and wait.
I can have some company, but it will be temporary. Some will share the same road with me and we will face the dangers of it together; the joys of it as well.
Everything I do is final. I am allowed to look back and admire and observe, but never walk back and change. 
When I look back I will see a part of the road I've walked on, but never all of it. I can even remember parts of it, but not all. 
But the two most important facts that I've learned since I began my journey are: 
1) The road ahead is ALWAYS dark and blurry and 
2) I will never know what is ahead... until I have walked to reach it. Even sometimes, what I believe and see is ahead, is actually just an illusion. I will never rest.

And so I continue my journey. To the dark horizon ahead of me. Do I know where I'm going? No. Will I ever know? No. Is it safe? Impossible to tell. Will I be happy? Well... that's not really up to the road. It's up to me. Will I find what I'm looking for? Wrong question; should have started with: What am I really looking for?

Too many questions. Too few answers.

It's that time again. Blood is still fresh from the last time and yet, it's that time again. I have come to a crossroad. For a second, I stop. Not by choice, by demand. I turn around. Look back and see where I've been, what I've done. Look ahead again.

Before me, many roads. Not one of them is bright as day. Not one of them tells me where it leads. I know nothing and yet need to make a decision. I'm tired. I feel sick.

From experience I know some roads will make my journey easier and some will be so complex and dangerous I might even lose my life.

The wind blows again. I feel raindrops on my face. Look at the sky, so dark and beautiful. I know You are up there and I know You are watching; waiting for me to start walking again. I will soon, I promise. A peace which I cannot explain takes hold of my spirit. "Everything is going to be alright", I hear whispers in my ear. That voice again... It's the one voice that makes me feel safe.

Before me the future awaits. Where shall I go? Which road to take? How to know?

Doesn't matter... It's time... Let's go... Walk